My best friend's phone call

It's been a while since I've blogged. This last month has been insanely busy. It's only gonna get busier.
So yesterday I received a phone call from my best friend. She lives abroad. We talked for about 1/2 an hour, before she let out the following words.."I'm pregnant". I can't say I was surprised because she has also struggled for years to carry a baby. She has had several miscarriages and finally she is over four months pregnant. I was actually surprised by the emotions that I felt. I felt a little sting from the words at first. But then I felt this amazing feeling of how happy I was for her. God had given her a blessing. She had always remained positive and had faith that this would eventually happen for her. She is so positive that God will not leave me without a family of my own as well. It's incredible how strong she has been. She gave me hope yesterday.
So here's the wierd thing....two weeks ago I had a dream that her and I were walking down a path that led to a beautiful lake...she was holding a newborn baby boy. In my dream I asked her who's baby is that? And she said "it's my baby". We got to the lake and went swimming.
It turns out she had her ultrasound and they told her she is having a baby boy!

Good News. No, not that kind of good news.lol

I received a great email last night.
For those of you who don't know, I have been corresponding via email with a potentional gestational carrier. We have developed a great relationship thus far over email. After receiving the green light from her doctor on the 15th, she has confirmed to me that she is able to move forward with being our gestational carrier! This will not be happening till April of next year. Things are looking positive. There are a lot of details to go through now..but one step at a time. It's wierd... I feel happy and scared all at the same time!

Today I find myself thinking....

Maybe I am pushing myself too hard. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have children. Is all this emotional stress really worth it? What if surrogacy actually doesn't work out? Then what?
Shouldn't I just be happy with the blessings that I have? My parents already have grand children. My inlaws do too. My sister will eventually have a niece or a nephew through my other sister. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have kids.
I find myself going through a lot of ups and downs lately. When I am "up" I feel like I can conquer anything. When I am "down" I feel that things are just so overwhelming. Right now I am overwhelmed.
I am a firm believer that God has a plan for my life. I think I need to reflect more in prayer and listen. Really listen.

Phew

So the CT scan results came back NORMAL!! What a relief. On to the next specialist.

DH had an amazing dream last night. He had a dream that he was holding his baby boy. He said that the baby was looking at him smiling. He said it was the most beautiful smile. I don't think he has ever told me about a dream like that. Here's hoping his dream comes true....

Things come in three's

Just had to share this. Yet another cousin of my husband is pregnant. So that makes a total of three in the past week. I think there must be some truth to that saying that things come in three's! 

I'm kinda -sorta- happy for you....

Today I found out that two of DH's cousin's wives are pregnant. It never used to affect me before - this kind of news. But in the past few months I have noticed that it does. More so because I am reminded of my own situation and really wishing that it could be me. I just can't get excited for them...I don't know why...but I just can't. I know how over the moon they must be and I don't like that I am feeling this way. How come it's so easy for some people to get pregnant? Anyway, that's my vent for now. Getting it out helps.

The Dreaded CT Scan...

Well it's done. I have been fretting about going for my CT scan for the last few days.
For those of you who don't know (all one of you who are following me right now...lol) I got my ultrasound results back last week and apparently there is a s "shadow"on my kidney. I was told that I need to get a CT scan to see what it is..if anything. DH managed to get me an appointment 9 days earlier than what was originally scheduled..thank goodness cause I would have gone nuts waiting. Anyway the CT scan is done and over with. I was so nervous going in. Just so glad it is over! Now I have to wait for the results....more waiting!

Pumpkin Carving

Every year I buy a couple of pumpkins to decorate the front porch for Halloween. I don't carve them. I don't carve them because I want to save the fun of pumpkin carving to do with my children. Each year I think...by next year...but next year comes and I still don't have a little one to dress up and take trick or treating. I decided today that I will carve the pumpkins. I have to say..I had a lot of fun doing it. I thought I would feel sad...but I didn't.

My Very First Post

After years of thinking about starting a blog, I finally decided it's time. Actually I was encouraged by two of the gals from my fertility group. They said it's like therapy and that I'll never need a therapist.
I probably should have started this blog six years ago when all this infertile business came about.
A little bit of background....
My husband, who I will call call DH (his first initial of his full name is actually H) and I first started trying for a baby about 6.5 years ago...1 year after being married. We have been through 9 IUI's, 7 IVF's (2 with IVIG) and 2 FET's. All of that and not a single pregnancy. We closed the chapter of trying to get my body pregnant this past August. It turns out that although we make beautiful embryo's, I have an implantation problem.
We have decided to proceed with Gestational Surrogacy. A GS is someone who will carry our baby using my own eggs and DH's sperm to form the embryo's. DH uses the analogy of baking our cake in someone elses oven.LOL. This is both exciting and at the same time very frightening to me. Exciting because of the possiblity of having our own child, frightening because it is all new to me and I would have to go through yet another IVF in order to retrieve my eggs. I don't react well to IVF..it takes me a good month to recover. I also run the risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome) since I had it moderate-severe the time before last and was hospitalized for a week.Anyway...that's it for my first post!